Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
