I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
