I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
