i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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