Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Found your dick twin last night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.