I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.