Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
