Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
