I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
