Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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