she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
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He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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