Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
