Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
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The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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