it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
