I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
