tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
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i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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