What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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