Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only