but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
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Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!