when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.