The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
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this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.