the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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