Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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