I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
