He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Randomize
