if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
