I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
