sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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