Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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