I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
