The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
