Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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