i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
