I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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