New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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