I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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