im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
