What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
