I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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