I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.