im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.