Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
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I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"