haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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