goodnight i made you a song goodbye
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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