I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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