I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
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I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
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These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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