after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
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