my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
