i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
