I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
