You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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