Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
