Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
