Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
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ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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