the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm at about main and main street
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
