youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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