If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
